Friday, 30 November 2007


This is probably going to be something i mention a lot, in fact i know it is.

Now I'm not sure how many people out there partake in a daily commute to work/school but i for one have the pleasure of a total of 4hrs commuting each day into and out of London.
I know, i know. Many things spring to mind like "Why do you bother working that far away" "Surely commuting isn't too bad" "Why haven't you got any trousers on".

Whether you commute for 30Min's, or 3hrs, its all the same. You stand there waiting for the train to come, most people have their spots so the doors come to where they are standing. You get on the train and one of two things happen:

You get on the train, look for a seat and if not then you stand.
Your an upper class twat that has a 1st class seat all reserved, the peasant that they have warming their seat runs off to the back of the carriage and they sit down, not before wiping the seat.

So after your settled and your face is in the armpit of some tight arsed man in a pin stripe suit, the train starts to move.
Now the Reading - Paddington train takes on average 25Min's. Not too much, the length of your favourite Simpson's show, or a very relaxing shit. So within those 25 minutes, on a hot stuffy train, face in the armpit of pin stripe swept back hair man, you expect to be able to just relax and get to London.

Yet, and I'm pointing the finger at the business man (for reasons ill explain in a minute), someone decides to fart. And its not a noisy 'everybody chuckle' fart, or a quiet mouse squeak of released gasses, no. It's a silent leak of noxious gasses that come from the bowels of perdition, that creep up to your nostrils and and play the harp on your nose hairs.

Now why cant they go to toilet before they leave the house, like we were trained as kids to do, or hold it in until they get to London or the office? I mean its not that hard, try going to a festival and having to hold it in for a few days!

My theory, yes. The business man and his loose bowels. Right. So here goes:

Being a loose bowled, but tight arsed, businessman means that your high wired, you get no sleep so need lots of energy, so you drink coffee. But drinking coffee makes your breath smell and stains your teeth, so you chew chewing gum.

So you have coffee, which speeds up metabolism (makes the stomach work) and you have chewing gum, which contains Xylitol (at high doses has a laxative effect).
All of this combined equals the need to shit, or at least fart. And there we have it. That nostril ripping fart you smell on the train/tube in the mornings is indeed from the bowels of a pin striped businessman.

But he doesn't care does he? No for hes on the upper echelons of society, he can shit where ever he wants.

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