Thursday, 21 June 2007

Letters from First Class

Dear Mother,
We are having a terrific time in first class, all comfy and warm. Occasionally we have to look upon the lower classes, maybe even acknowledge them. Mother are you still reading, don't disown me.
I'll shall tell you of one encounter with the 'lesser class'. It happened not long ago on transport to Bristol. Due to another train being cancelled we had to take aboard more passengers than i would have liked. They were sweaty and smelly and i think some of them were standing.

A female attendant came across the tannoy saying that she had to 'De-classify' first class due to health and safety issues, the only issues with health and safety is the smell. The other passengers were told that if there was a free seat in first class they were to seize it under any circumstances. Well i was having none of that let me tell you. So i banded together and recruited some other 'Firsties' to rally against the others and drive them back to the lower carriages.

At first it was a struggle, they had the numbers, but we had the first class mentality. We fashioned cutlasses from our umbrellas and monocles and charged at the marauding stampede. We fought them off for a good 20minutes, through swarms of screeching aunties and wailing children. We lost some good men that day; Baxter, Thompson and we are not sure what happened to Longham, last time we saw he was fending off a gaggle of children all throwing feces at him. God i hope he isn't alive, what with the smell.

Luckily Reading came into view and with that alluring sense of alcohol they seemed distracted, so we drove them off the train and barricaded the carriages against any more 'would-be' soldiers of the lower classes.
The train staff said we could be refunded the cost of sitting with the lower class, as it was a privilege for them to even be near us, but i don't think any amount of money can make us forget the horrible ordeal that we had to go through, i think i'm going to have nightmares for atleast a week. Poor Pugersmith was underneath one of the tables rocking back and forth crying like a school boy missing his mother, we beat it out of him though.

I think we learnt a good lesson while on our train that day mother, we learnt that the lower classes will do anything for a chance to sit at the throne of society, but we must never let that happen.

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